Well, to be fair this is more of a Five of the Worst. Musicians like to think that they’re something special. Ok, so they have the power to fill our lives with music that fits all the right moments, but unfortunately this also seems to put them under the impression that they are the reincarnated Christ. Further sadness arises when the majority of the people listed on this week’s feature actually create some awesome music – they just need to learn to chill out a little bit in real life. Here we go then, part one.

Metallica

Metallica used to be good. And when I say used to be, I mean about twenty years ago. And when I say god, I mean when they actually had a set of bollocks between them. Now, ever since the Napster debacle, in which Lars Ulrich proved himself to be the most self centered, spoilt, shithead of a drummer that there ever was, and the release of the Some Kind of Monster DVD where Kirk Hammet came across as some guitar boning hippie rapist the band have been all talk no balls.

I mean look at them – I search for a picture in Google and I get this as one of the first results. To be fair I was initially just going to pick on Ulrich but when I saw this photo I nearly vomited. What the hell is that on your chin Hetfield? A fucking mouse? And what the hell is Dave Grohl doing there? Oh no wait, its bloody monkey boy who’s just there to lick the arse’s of each and every member of the once great Metallica. What a bunch of pricks. Have you heard the things that Lars is saying about the new album? About how it’s going to sound “nutty”? Who describes an album as nutty? Piss off Lars and die.

Maynard James Keenan

I quite like Tool. Sure, all their fans are a bunch of obsessive idiots who sit studying the songs for magical mysteries that aren’t there (bloody druggies) but they know how to write a good song, and Maynard has some great lyrics dealing with many different issues in a myriad of styles and sounds. So why is it that Keenan is perhaps one of the most profoundly retarded persons upon this planet when he opens his mouth away from the music? His recent solo project Puscifer bombed like Pearl Harbour, and is it any wonder when you take an interest and check out the website - “Welcome to my island of misfit ideas. The space where my Id, Ego, and Anima all come together to exchange cookie recipes.”.

There’s more of that on the website, but what a load of complete and utter bollocks. And if that’s not bad enough, he’s so cool and zany that he dances like a spastic chicken when not opening his mouth to sing live. He might be clever, but his self inflated ego is proof that you can’t take the redneck out of the intellectual.

Part two will be up later this week. I’m sure if you’ve come across this and you’re a fan of either Tool or Metallica you’re going to be very riled, so take a deep breath and leave a comment.