Earlier in the week I listed my first two egomanical wankers in part one of ‘Five of the Best’. Here’s the conclusion of this feature.

Once again, I find myself in a pickle. I’ve grown to really enjoy Radiohead, but even I can’t stand the constant eco-holier than thou attitude of Thom Yorke. There’s a slim chance I could pick on the whole band like I did Metallica, but considering whenever Yorke opens his mouth for a journalist all that seems to spout out of his head is a constant stream of tree shagging shit.

I don’t even mind the whole environmentally friendly attitude that the band take, but to be quite honest there is nothing that the band do that particularly sets a great example to any other band, let alone us normal, lowly humans. And given this attitude, whereby the ginger whinger himself complained that Glastonbury wasn’t doing enough to help the gay green fairies, the million dollar band are set to head out to America soon, then back to the UK, then back to America. It’s not as if they’re going to get there on the back of a turtle, so maybe he should learn to shut his mouth before he jumps into bed with his own hypocrisy.

Here is an example of someone who really wants to use his celebrity status to improve the world, but to be quite honest he is going about it the complete and utter wrong way. He should just join a rally or something. In the meantime, they’ll probably pay off the green elves for their eco-footprint bollock blah blah thing.

50 Cent

Perhaps the greatest contender for the throne of biggest cunt in music, 50 Cent (or to use his normal, un-gangsta name, Curtis Jackson) succesfully manages to bridge the gap between complete and utter lack of musical talent and ego. Unlike the previous entries in this feature, who, despite their personalities and opinions, create some fantastic music, this dickhead manages to leave me absolutely confused as to how he has become so famous.

Once again, let’s use the example of the first photo I found in Google. Top off? Thinks he’s hot. Ridiculously sized jewellery, probably from Argos? Thinks he’s made of money. Sweatband on the head? Reckons he’s tennis’ greatest sportsmen, John McEnroe. The truth is the lack of shirt only reveals his man tits, the bling over-emphasizes his small cock (I’m just guessing here…) and the sweatbands? Well, he’s a sweaty bastard as well.

The trouble is with Mr Cent is his consistently “I’m gunna pop a cap in yo’ ass” attitude that just demolishes any credibility he might have as a rap artist. Ok, so maybe he did get shot up a bit, like his video game suggests, but chances are he’s making it all up and he goes home after his shows to a nice plate of biscuits and mummy’s milk. Eugh, I can’t believe I said that.

Phil Collins

Yet more proof that drummers should stay behind the drum kit, Collins has for years baffled me. How can someone so boring, plain and uninspiring be considered a great musician? There is nothing, nothing, he has done that I have enjoyed, from destroying Genesis and getting ideas above his station to crooning over shit Disney films for a massive paycheque.

Collins recently announced his retirement a few weeks ago. Now, when someone says something like this it completely makes all the fluids in my body bubble. For a start, he’s only retiring so he can make a comeback and sell out Wembley after he’s realised that his passion for war memorablia has costed him more than he could afford. Secondly, one cannot simply walk into Mordor. Oh, wait sorry I got a bit carried away there. No, secondly how can one retire from music? What, now he thinks he’s too good for making music? Now he’s going about his life under the impression that he has reached his creative peak, and has made the greatest music man has ever heard? It’s completely pretentious, and he only did it to get a cheap headline in the news to promote the eventual stream of best of’s that are sure to follow the suicide of his career.

Having said that though, my Dad loves him, no homo, so maybe Collins’ strength is in creating a musical bond with like minded balding old people. Eugh.

So that’s that then, another list of five things that are reasonably music related. Let me know what you think, I’ve no fears from the Collins fans, knowing how technically inbred they must be there’s no way you can work out how to leave a comment.

(Michael apologises for the sheer anger and hate expressed in this week’s Five of the Best. He clearly needs to get a life.)